I am writing to give an interim response to the emails I have received regarding the closing of this blog.
The settling of my mother-in-law at her new residence has been tiring - physically and mentally - and I've hardly had the time to read your mails carefully. I don't want to give casual replies - judging from the length of some of your letters, I know that's quite a bit of investment on your time and energy. I want you to know that I hear and feel for you, and am grateful that you take the time to write me.
I will start by addressing the question of "why facebook?". The reason is straightforward - I want to be writing only for people who understand me, and love and accept me for who I am. It annoys me to know that there are those out there who are reading who don't think I am entitled to my feelings. The thought of going underground has crossed my mind many times in the last 5 years that I've been blogging, and each time I want to go into hiding it's been that I have been angry. And I've returned every time because of very specific reasons that I don't have the time to share right now.
I was determined this time to not be talked into writing for all to see ever again. I am not so sure now.
To those who think I have neither the reason nor right to complain about my life, I wish you'll come to accept that unhappy people are everywhere. I do not see people living in war-torn and impoverished countries as the reason I should feel great about where I am. I have read blogs of happy people who were living in extremely treacherous conditions and I have to say I was envious.
But I am not writing today to start a debate on whether I have the right to feel really lousy.
To those who tell me that my writing/ my life has been inspiring - I take it that what you are really meaning to say is that my episodes of falling down really hard and picking myself up again have given you hope that you can do the same too. I promise you then that you most definitely can, if only you believe, from your hearts of hearts, that you ARE what you THINK. Personally, knowing that I can never be given more pain than I can bear has been the only reason I am willing to get up and risk falling again.
To those who ask how I have managed to live a close to normal life - I FIGHT to live one on a daily basis. Some battles are rather ugly - like sending away the mother-in-law who is, at least for now, not willing to even try to see that I am NOT normal despite my very sane appearance - and expensive - like paying for a place to house my mother-in-law and everything that she needs to make her feel that she is still being cared for; some, extremely selfish - like getting rid of all the toxic people in my life.
To those who wonder if the constant need to be alone is a sign that you need help - I'll say it depends on whether you feel peaceful and joyful when being left alone. I am mostly very relaxed and calm when left alone with my cats and my thoughts.
I am aware I lack the emotional maturity of a 40-year-old, and am definitely not the best person to give advice to many of you. But you asked me about me, so I tell you as much as I can about me. As long as you have some use of what I have shared, I will be happy I have done something for someone.
Thank you once again for your letters to my email and facebook account, and all your comments here. I am still not decided on whether I will move my post to facebook - given that many of you don't wish to start a facebook account, and I totally understand why you don't.
In any case, I need a short break to take care of my mother-in-law's moving out, and time to re-charge.
That said, I will attempt to reply to all your mails - just give me a little more time.
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